Close Encounters

I feel like an alien.  Seriously.

I will say that people are pretty damn nice out here.  Last month a random girl took me to the airport.  You heard me.  My shuttle was over an hour late. She heard me freaking out - and by freaking out, I mean raise my voice, because this town could not handle me at a 10 - and offered me a ride.  What?  And another girl helped me carry my groceries up last week.

Apparently, it pays to live above a Starbucks.

But I feel very isolated.  I am having trouble adjusting. I am like this big, fat, loud, harsh beast that does not belong.  This area will never feel like home to me.  I am just here.  I would give almost anything to be back in Chicago.   This place is kinda sucking my will to live.

So, we go to San Fran for a couple days and I decide to get my hair did whilst the fiance is at work.  I go to this salon by the hotel.  The most adorable little hipster gay colored my hair and convinced me to do something fun with it.  Now I am a little worried that it may look bad when I wash it out - but now it's straight and looks awesome.

He was from Washington DC.  He was feeling me on how different it was out here and how people were way more sensitive and, though pleasant, more sketchy.  As in not saying what they mean.  It was fun to bitch with someone.  He told me that the only people he really has become friends with happen to be from the east coast.  It doesn't surprise me.  I have more on San Fran, but I need to vent about some other business today.

I've noticed that I've said things and people are uncomfortable, when to me it's clear I am just being brash or silly like "why you gotta be like that?" and I get and "I'm sorry".  For real?  You think I'm upset when I say that?  I need for everyone out here to watch Seinfeld.  See Elaine?  Now love her...get her...okay  see - that's pretty much me.

Sorry gang, I am in a foul mood today.  My ulcer blew up last night and I still feel a bit nauseous (nauseated? I never get that right).  Then I was awoken by unworldly sounds coming out of my cat that freaked me the hell out.

The cats had a major set back a couple of weeks ago.  The girl started to get a little aggressive with  Roche' (my little guy), you know trying to show dominance for some reason.  Roche' was all "Whatever dude, leave me alone, I am just trying to chill out.  I'm just wanting to be left alone"  But she's kinda a brat and can't leave shit be.  She pretty much is my bane.  I cannot have anything nice because she will wreck it.  Even just writing about her made my computer do a bunch of weird crap.  It's now highlighting misspelled words and not correcting them and leaving them highlighted when I do it manually.  That just happened.  See?  BANE.

Anyway, she's causing trouble with him and the big cat gets involved and there is a freaky cat skirmish that almost gives me a mini stroke.  It's complete chaos.  After which, Roche' has not been the same.  He doesn't want to be near either of them.  He growls (a sound I have never heard before). He hisses (I had heard him do this twice before - at the ceiling fan).  The girl won't leave him be.  The big cat usually leaves him alone.  Or at least walks three feet away and plops down and is all "I am just chilling here.  I want no trouble."

But this morning he decided not to back off and right next to me, in the middle of sleep (finally after being in pain all night), I hear a freaking Puma and Lion going at it.  I think the noise came mostly from Roche'.  Regardless it freaked me the fuck out.  I yelled and the big cat ran out of the room and Roche' hid behind the bed.

I am now stuck in my bedroom because I refuse to lock him up in here as though he were being punished.  Plus, I need to make sure he gets out if he has to take care of business or eat.  Though he has come out and is hanging with me on the bed.

Their fighting is causing me so much stress.  The truth is I come from the school of pets should add goodness to you life.  I always thought that people who had trouble pets were complete and utter dumb-asses.  I never had a pet for that reason.  Why the hell would I take care of something that got on my nerves and did not add value to my life?   Not only that, but to cause grief?  I would not take that shit from a person, why the fuck would I take it from a mini beast?  I deserve to be shot for tolerating it. I am embarrassed by it.  It is the stupidest thing in the world.  Truth be told, I am miserable about it.  I am tired of yelling at them.  Not just for fighting, but for doing things or going to places they should not be.  I have started calling the girl "earmuffs"  as in she's make a good pair.

That is why I love Roche' so much.  He's obedient and sweet - the worst things he does is eat ribbons and bites a little when I play rough with him - but I let him do that.  He does not jump on any surfaces.  Couch, bed, and armchairs only.  He is perfect for me.  He causes me stress when he is unwell and that's it.  I took him from a place where he was bullied and now I have but him in a bad situation.  I kinda want to cry right now.  The poor thing.

Maybe we should have stayed put.

Monster

 

First off, let's discuss.  This is proof that makeup goes a long way and that we are all pretty much some mascara away from being a monster.  Charlize Theron is one of the most beautiful women in the universe and she looks like ass.   Plus the bitch she is playing here was a serial killer.  Ugliness makes people do some ugly things.

That said, I am desperate need of a makeover.  One, my ass...grown.  And I do not mean I am a grown ass woman.  I mean I have super badunk-a-dunk.  It's not cool.  And it's especially not cool being no jive turkey so close to Thanksgiving.  Yes, that was for you, Smarty.  

Seriously though, I am out of control.  I have not been working out and that needs to change promptly.  I have approximately 11 months.  Does my dress fit? Yes.  Am I happy with how I look in it?  Not especially.  Though I am not thrilled with how I look in anything lately.  That's not the only reason I need to get into shape though.  I am feeling uber gross.  And that, also, is not cool.

My phro is also insane. I, at least, remembered that I have thinning shears and put those to work.  I could not stand it anymore.  I need to make an appointment this week to have some layers put in.  That is to say, put in correctly.  I have been know to take shears to my head in the middle of the night and wake up with a bob or some shit.  I am a crack length away from doing it, so I need to go see a pro.  I am debating on color though.  Did you all know that I was actually a redhead?  For many years.  So much so that people though it was my natural color.  Though, for the record, I do actually have some red hair...along with blonde, black, and brown.  I am a fucking deer mouse, though less pestilent.

So, I have a debate with the parents again about inviting kids to the wedding.  I am apparently a horrible monster that hates children and needs to be destroyed.

Sorry, I just cannot handle kids running around when I am in heels.  It completely stresses me out.  Plus, I figured out that it would cost and additional $2,500 to have all those kids there.  You heard me.  Twenty-five-freaking-hundred-dollars.  Thirty-five extra meals, additional seating/chair covers, additional centerpieces.  It all adds up.  Should I have to sacrifice how my wedding looks, to save on budget, so that people can bring their children that do not give a shit about me?

And what happened to it being OUR wedding, anyway?

My brother went Godfather on me the other day.

He calls me on Friday night.

"Do you have a photographer?"

"Yeah, but I have not signed a contract yet"

"How much is he charging you?"

"$2,000"

"Do not sign a thing, I have someone for you.  He'll do it"

"But..."

"Don't worry about it.  He's a good guy.  Takes great pictures."

"But how much..."

"Don't worry about it.  We'll figure it out."

"But can we get a book and the digital photos and..."

"You're gonna get whatever you want.  I said - don't worry about it."

I called him today and was like "Can I talk to this guy?"  Turns out he works with my brother, which I am guessing means for my brother.  Like he's his boss.  He apparently wants to get into the industry and my bro is vouching for him.  Guess he won't mess things up because it will be super awkward for him.

For the record, my brother is not a mafia type, which is why it's impossible to say no to him when he pulls crap like that.  He has more integrity than anyone I know.  Plus, he knows he will not hear the end of it if this dude messes it up.  If I can save a grand...I mean, that gives us more to spend on food or whatever.  And don't you dare say "or kids" because I will throttle you.

Did I mention that my sister in law is making the cake?  How cool is that?  We did go to a cake tasting and like the combination that we chose.  I could tell she wanted to do it, but was nervous and I was like - Just make it. I am not looking for a free cake, we'll pay you. I just want you to make it.  I beat her into submission and am so glad.  I want something totally plain anyway.  I mean plain in design.  I am of course buying cake jewelry.  It's a real thing.  Trust me.  I need bling.

I was in Chicago a couple of weeks ago for my BFF's wedding - which was awesome.  I went shopping and bought all the gifts for my bridesmaids.  Part of which I am incorporating into the ensemble.

I decided to have my sister, my fiance's sister, and two of my best girls be attendees.  Then I wanted my nieces.  How to get away with having that many?  Make those little heifers flower girls.  I do not give a crap.  they are wearing the same dresses and just going down the isle in pairs and dropping petals.  Did I mention that they will be ages 15 to 23.  Whatever.  They are my nieces and I think it is precious.  Again, I did not want some kid that does not even know us.  Plus, I hate when everyone is all cooing at the spectacle. 

I was at another wedding last month and the flower girls and ring bearer were just running around, causing a scene.  It was so distracting.  People were all "awww...how cute."  I was like "someone better beat those brats down."

Maybe I am a monster.

I was all nudging my man "See? See?  This is why I am having the girls (the nieces) do it.  I would be throwing a  fit."  And honestly, I would.

The weird thing is - I am exceptional with children.  I am like the kid whisperer or some shit.  But that takes concentration and I am not having it on that day.  At least not for that.

Here's some pretty for you:

She is ridiculous.