I Have a Case of the Awkwards

I have seen this picture before and it never ceases to amaze me.   What were they thinking?

I love that I most recently found it on a Jewish parenting blog.  Even more awkward!  What is going on?

So, I am at my sweetheart's place and he had to go to work.   His cleaning lady is here.  Frankly, I may have preferred that she come next week.  Or maybe I could have just left for a while.  I am feeling a snare awkies.  To be honest, I feel  like she might be ripping him off.

From what I have noticed in the past, she basically just does the floors and wipes down surfaces in the kitchen.  The stairs look like they have never been swept, nor the bedroom furniture dusted.  I know that one time, I arrived when she was cleaning and we left.  When we returned there was dust on the shelves that the glasses and dishes are stored on.  Considering that there is no other furniture besides the TV stand and couch, I think that it is not too much to expect the "bookcase" that holds the glassware to be dusted.

Window sills - dusty.  Floorboards - dusty.  I seriously do not get it.  Granted, the place is always pretty clean - but we also pick up after ourselves.  It's not like anything is really dirty anyway.

I mean, I can come here every two weeks and sweeps the floors for crying out loud.

Oh man, have I got some PMS for you.

I know that my place gets really dusty very quickly.  Like the same day that I clean.  I also live in a 100 year old building, in a major city, on a really busy street.

I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe things just get dusty by my next visit.  Somehow I doubt it.

Do not think for a minute that I am not doing a white glove inspection when she leaves.  Yeah, I'm an asshole like that.

I will not have someone take advantage of my boyfriend.  Not when I know that he pays her what a hotel housekeeper would make in 4 hours.  And those guestrooms are pretty clean.  I say this from my experience in the industry and can only speak as to the cleanliness of hotels I've worked at.

In 4 hours this place would be spotless.  He is not cluttery at all.  It's easy to clean.  In fact the only things that are out are mine.

I had one of the housekeepers come help me once.  I gave her $60 and she protested that it was too much, when she had worked her ass off for like 3 hours and my place had been a pit.  It was spotless.  She moved the furniture, dusted everything.  I did do my bedroom myself and dusted the living room, but she did mostly everything.  And honestly - it was a fucking sty.  I had been working non-stop for weeks and was a basket case.  I organized crap while she cleaned.  Seriously, she washed everything, like even the bar glasses that I keep on the counter.  That stuff gets dirty if you do not periodically clean them.

Hence my concern for my honey's place.  I mean, that kind of thing piles up, and soon all your surfaces can be icky.

I am guessing that she will do a better job today though.

Though I cannot figure out why the laundry is running.  I was tossing my dirties directly into the machine all week.  I was going to add more to it to do a load.  There are like two shirts and 5 pair of nundies in there - why the hell would you run that?  Not necessary.

Ugh, I am cranky.   And poor Mac - I am always complaining about the dust.  Honestly, his place is cleaner that mine usually is.  I just feel like she is being paid more that what she is doing.  Maybe that is just my expectations though.  And really, I am glad that the bathroom fixtures and such get cleaned.  It's just those little things that end up piling up and then become a huge chore...that yours truly does not want to have to end up eventually doing.

I also don't know how people look normal when they clean.  I am a grubby, nasty looking beast of a woman when I do chores.  No question about it.  I am wearing crap and feeling like it too.

I call shenanigans on this.  This here is the myth:

 

This right here is the reality of the situation:

And she doesn't even look that bad.  Whatever.  Marketing nonsense.

Hmmm...maybe I should dress cuter when I clean.  I think then I would not want to get down to the nitty gritty though.  My problem is that I do not really maintain well.  I let things go a bit and then have to work really hard to clean it all.  At least I used to be like that.  I have gotten much better over the last year or so.  But I still look like crap when I am doing it.

Hey, I can't always look glorious.

Arty and The Angry Grinch

My band mate is performing a run at Mary's Attic.  He is performing Hedwig with guest artists.  They do the opening act and then perform songs from the show with him.  Our band finally decided to perform with him in August.  I cannot wait!  It's a good excuse to learn some new material.

Here's one of my faves from the movie / broadway musical.  Hedwig just gets dumped by her husband after she underwent a sex change in order to leave East Germany and go with him to America.

It is actually amazing what a little make up and hair can do to a girl.  Do not even think that I am not writing this while waiting for my hair color to set in.  A girl needs to keep the hair looking right.  Also, I swear to baby Jesus that I do not feel right without make up.  I am one of those gals.  I need a painted face to look right to myself.  Even when I look au naturel, it's because I am a master of nude colors.  I may look like I have nothing on, but I do indeed.  Though I prefer a it of glam; it's just not always appropriate.

Today I cleaned my place up, as my sweety is coming to visit.  I seriously was being negligent.  What is with me lately?  I think I may be a snare depressed.  I have lost a little bit of my sparkle.  I am sure I'll get it back.  I feel like it's because I have plans and they are on hold for a bit.  I am not the most patient person sometimes.

I went to the laundromat since the facilities here are abysmal and actually priced too high.  Screw the landlord.  I cannot believe how much they want to charge.  And there are only two machines.  And I have to go up and down five flights and go outside.  Whatever.  I usually just wait until it piles up and then got to the laundromat.  It actually takes less time.  In like 2.5 hours or so I am comepletely done, folding and all.

So I am folding what has already dried and this chaos walks in.  She yells at the Asian dude sitting by the door. "You could be a gentleman and get the door, you know!  You see me here."  She apparently fumbles and he kind of giggles.  I think he did not get what she said and feels uncomfortable.  Then her phone rings and she is all "If it's not the phone, it's something else!"

My god woman,  do you hate existence that much?!

To the unfortunate person on the horn: "Who is this?  What do you want?  Who is this?  Who?!"  Yikes.  What a first class beyotch.

Then her equally cranky friend shows up.  They load up their laundry.  And, of course, she completely overloads her machine.  It is howling.  She promptly goes outside to smoke.  Awesome.  Thanks so much.  We are all so happy that you came here.  It's interesting to me how one's energy can effect the environment.  She was so angry.

Then when I was leaving she was all smiles and talking to me.  Huh?  I just smiled and said something in agreement (I do not even remember to what) and left.

Anyway, I am showered and the hair is freshly colored.  There is no shame in my game.  I color my hair.  And I have to do it often because it grows quickly, so I do it myself.  When my hair is shorter, don't think that I do not wear phoney ponies either.  I love them.  Love.

I am super hungry, but something tells me we are not going to go on our ritual run to the waffle house down the street when Mac arrives.  The waffle shop has super yummy breakfast deals.  And by "something", I mean the torrential rain.  I am grateful, however, that it did not rain on my way home with my clean clothes in tow.  It was misty.  I actually ran.

Can you imagine?  My chubby ass, running down the street (okay sprinting), with a shopping cart full of clothes....glorious.  I am a goddess.  Clearly.

Total 180.  You know what song always makes me cry?

"No Woman No Cry" by Bob Marley.

Every damn time.  Without fail.  It's the sentiment; it's his vocal tone.  He just gets the waterworks going with that song.  Huge bless.  He is the one "hippie" I love.

By the way, little darling, don't shed no tears; everything's gonna be alright.

Peach Cobbler With Pecans on Top

"Ugly babies is hard to find...but they out there"
~Adele Givens

If you do not know who Adele Givens is, do yourself and everyone you love a favor and look the woman up and watch some of her stand up.  You're welcome.

Okay, here's some for you:

This morning I had to deal with a sight that simply should not be.  Lord have mercy.  On my way to an interview (which went well, by the by), I am sitting on the bus.  After a few stops a lady & stroller hop on board.  They are both facing me.

Seriously, I wanted to drop kick this kid.  He not only had a snotty face, he was a freaking whiner.  I am talking Doug & Wendy here.  I mean this kid was just malcontent with his existence.  Period.  Miserable brat.  It was difficult to watch.  I am certain that my face was contorted in disdain.  I tried not to, but the face has a will of it's own sometimes.

I know I complain a bunch, but I am not unhappy with my life.  When people simply loathe to breathe, I cannot deal.  And I do not mean people with genuine mental disorders that cause depression or despair, that is a serious condition.  I mean otherwise healthy people just being discontent for no reason.

I am allowed to bitch about crap because I am fabulous.

So fabulous, in fact, that a begging vagabond fell completely in love with me today.  He was killing me.  First he called to me from across the street and then called me his wife.  He comes and sits by me at the bus stop and was all "you put a spell on me.  What did you get for dinner?  I will go get something and you can cook it for me."

I was all "I'm taken"

"I don't mean no disrespect (which they always love to say that shit - and by they I mean men that do this crap in general).  But ain't nobody gonna tell me how I can feel about you."  He says something about dinner.

I tell him I cannot cook and he looks at me and is like "Quit lying.  I know you can put your foot down in the kitchen."  Ummmm...thanks for calling me a fat ass.

More babble.  I mostly gave one word answers, but was nice enough.  Apparently, I made his day because I was kind.

He closes with "You are peach cobbler with pecans on top"  Awesome.

Ah, life in the Windy City.

p.s. I noticed that I lost some comments the other day before I was able to respond.  Please know I did not delete them.

That Darn Cat

I have never seen that movie.  I hear it's a Disney classic though.  Of course they had to fart it up with a modern version.  I guess Christina Ricci was in it, but it did not feature her being chained to a radiator so no one saw it.  I admit I saw Black Snake Moan, but I had received it through Neflix and it sat at my house for like two months before I did.

Why the Hollywood machine insists on  making remakes, I will never understand.  If they were any sort of smart, they would simply re-release the originals at the theaters.  They are already made and the royalties would be alot less than paying new non talent hacks. Just saying.

I had a horrifying experience the other day.  Of course, I am going to share with you because you deserve to hear it.

I made a nice little dinner for myself on Sunday.  My dining table  is conveniently arranged for easy access to the kitchen and well as having a perfect view of the TV.  That's actually insignificant.

Anyway,   I look into the room that the cat had been in & where his box is.  I notice something on the floor.  I go in inspect.

My cat's ass apparently exploded!  There was feliniarrhea everywhere.  It was gruesome.  I compose myself and start to clean up and realize...this is smeared....paws have been in this.  Yipes.

I have to hunt him down and give him a bath pronto.  He did not put up much of a fight.  Luckily, there was no collateral damage to the rest of the house.  But he did have some yuckiness on his tail.  He protested a snare, but let me bathe him.  I know I have mentioned before that he is a really good cat.  He is currently sitting on my shoulder and still smells like baby shampoo.  Precious.

So I am in a panic.  Do I take him to the hospital?  I call the boyfriend and leave a message.  I decide to call his vet and leave a message to go see her on Monday.  Meanwhile, one of my girlfriends calls and Mac calls me back.  Total chaos.  As I talked to my friend though, I realized that, while he did have the booty flu, what caused the mess is that it got on his tail.  Poor lamb.

Don't worry - I bleached the crap out of everything.  No pun intended.

Look how ridiculously cute he is.

He's better now, in case you're wondering.  He still has a little bit of the booty flu, but it's not like uber liquid.  More like a mini cow flop.  Awesome.

Smooches!

Not Your Average Hausfrau

I am turning into a for real Hausfrau.

There are worse things for sure.  It seems though that it is becoming what is going to happen over the next year or so.  It doesn't mean that I won't be listening to some punk while whist dusting.  That's how I roll.  Though really, I will be a student as well.  Time to go back to school.  Actually, I am basically a Hausfrau right now, just for myself.  And I never even bought myself a ring.  Cheap ass.

I am pretty lucky.  My boyfriend is super supportive.  He is happy to help me through college; he is supportive about creating a business to sell homemade remedies and teas; he's pretty much an awesome partner really.

I think I am also really happy to have someone that I can cook with.  It's so much fun.  I have never had that before.  And he's a gadget person, so buying random shit is not an issue, but in fact, encouraged.

I also have been looking at recipes.  Not a big deal, you may say.  It's not really.  Except that I do not use recipes.  Everything I cook, I make up along the way.  I do not bake usually.  If I do, it's cookies in a tube or boxed cake.  Too many rules to follow!

But cooking...I am like a little mad scientist.  "I wonder what will happen if..." and I just go for it.  I have seldom been off.  The only real times I have is when I tried cooking for my PB (psuedo boyfriend / peanut butter / best girlfriend ).  PB is German as hell and loves her some bland food.  I try to replicate dishes for her when we do dinners and they always taste like crap.  So she thinks I am an awful cook.  It's funny really.

The man and I are often on cooking sites.  I am especially, really.  I think it's because I know he is game.  It makes cooking less of a chore.

Though I am happy with him, I have been a snare "blargh" in general so haven't been posting. Malaise! I need to remember that it's something I like to do.  I apologize for being negligent.  But I'll leave you with a recipe.

You can thank Smarty, as she saw me post something about it on Facebook.  My sister made this at Easter since I told her I could not eat chocolate.  How precious is that?  I told her fruit would be fine, since she was already making fruit salad.  But no - she had to make this crack.  We brought some home and I am totally making it for Mac's birthday.

Enjoy!

Coconut Creme Cheesecake Bars

What You Need

84 NILLA Wafers, divided

6 Tbsp.  butter, melted

1 pkg. (8 oz.) PHILADELPHIA Cream Cheese, softened

2 Tbsp.  sugar

1 tub (8 oz.) COOL WHIP Whipped Topping, thawed, divided

2 pkg.  (3.4 oz. each) JELL-O Vanilla Flavor Instant Pudding

2-1/2 cups cold milk

1-1/2 cups  BAKER'S ANGEL FLAKE Coconut, toasted, divided

Make It

RESERVE 24 wafers. Crush remaining wafers; mix with butter. Press onto bottom of 13x9-inch pan. Refrigerate while preparing filling.
BEAT cream cheese and sugar with mixer until well blended. Whisk in 1 cup COOL WHIP. Carefully spread over crust. Stand reserved wafers around edges.
BEAT pudding mixes and milk with whisk in medium bowl 2 min. Stir in 1 cup COOL WHIP and 3/4 cup coconut; spread over cream cheese layer. Top with remaining COOL WHIP and coconut. Refrigerate 5 hours.

How to Toast Coconut

Toasting coconut is easy. Just spread BAKER'S ANGEL FLAKE Coconut evenly in shallow baking pan. Bake at 350°F for 7 to 10 min. or until lightly browned, stirring frequently. Or, spread in microwaveable pie plate. Microwave on HIGH 3 min. or until lightly browned, stirring every minute. Watch carefully as coconut can easily burn!

WARNING!  This stuff is highly addictive.