I Am Gonna Blow It Up With My Spicyness

Something California does not have is giardiniera.   It's apparently a Chicago thing and frankly, something I cannot live without.  If it is not a common thing in your region, do not be fooled by the vinegar soaked spicy pickled salad they pass off as giardiniera.  Not that that stuff is bad.  It's a good relish; it's just not the same thing.

Every time we go shopping out there, I look for it.  They simply do not have it.  It is a sin.  A sin, I tell you.  I decided to take some with me, like a pack mule.  But I made a huge mistake.

I usually check my bag.  Just because I am paranoid and also because I throw things in my suitcase at the last minute.  I do not want to worry about it.  I also am all of 5'1", which makes the task of using the overhead bin a challenge.  I know I can ask for help, but I just do not want to deal.  Check it and forget about it.

I was taking a bunch of toiletries to leave out there, so I would just have everything I need out there.  No need to carry all that stuff every single time, you know?  I know I need perfume, makeup and deodorant, conditioner - just leave it there.

My bag was a tad heavy.  It was 52 lbs.  The person at check-in asks if I can take something out.  In my haste, I think "the giardenera is exactly 2 lbs."  She tells me that food items are fine.  So I take it out.

As I am in the security line, I think that maybe that was a bad call.  It is after all packed in oil.  And I clearly am going to endanger everyone on the plane with my chopped celery, carrots, peppers, and cauliflower.  Especially since I honestly can barely keep my eyes open when flying.  I sleep like a baby Stella.

Those TSA mother fuckers snagged my food.  For real.  They took it.  And I do not mean the confiscated it and tossed it.  They TOOK it.  I was like "ok, I'll throw it out" and they said that they had to scan again.  They went through my bag, removed it.  Told me they had to rescan all of it, but did not rescan the jars.  They sat neatly on the top of the machine.  Wrapped in the towel and Ziploc bag.

Tell me that the agents did not have some yummy sandwiches that night.  I swear.

Am I really a threat?  Good lord.

Then some jamoke says to me " you know you can mail that stuff right?"

I was all "really?  you can mail things?"  What a chump!  Yeah, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend since they don't have it out there, you dumb moose knuckle.

Though I have yet to be groped in security.  So hooray for that.  I was super paranoid about that happening.

Here's some straight edge punk rock for you.

Let's Pretend Airplanes Are Shooting Stars

I got totally sucked into the MTV Video Awards on Sunday night.  I spent the day at my friend's pool, we had dinner, and then lounged and watched the show.  Lazy bitches.
Anyway, I really know nothing about top 40 music.  I do not listen to the radio at all.  I may randomly catch something, like in a lobby or on a commercial.  But I have heard that song "Airplane" by B.O.B.  Not Bob, B.O.B. (note the blog title)

I was completely creased that Kanye was so revered throughout the evening after what he did last year.  I did not see that show, but did catch his bullshit shenanigans on you tube or something. In case you missed it, he interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech for winning best female video to complain that Beyonce should have won.  I am not a fan of Taylor, but the poor kid got her moment completely stolen.  She's never gonna win that shit again.  Apparently Beyonce ended up winning video of the year for that bullshit Put a Ring On It or some shit, I don't even know, anyway.  Bitch is ridiculous and sucks.  Sorry, she does.  Actually all their songs sound the same.  Not as each other, but it's the same tripe.

I do not know what it is with the Chicago boys.  R. Kelly is peeing on minors and Kanye has an ego the size of Kansas.  Seems like Common is at least normal.  Thanks for keeping it real, brother, though I have no idea what you sound like.  At least he is not a scandalous dick.  I can love a guy for that. Solid.

I liked Kanye's music.  I have his first three CD's.  I didn't pay for them, of course; because I do not remember the last album I paid for; but I do have them and they are so good.  (I take that back, it was The New Year by The New Year in 2008.  I fucking love them.) Anyway, he is such a fucking jackass, I don't want to support him.  Why you gotta ruin everything Kanye?

Firstly, I do not think he should have been even invited to the VMAs and to headline the show on top of it.  Ridiculous.  His intro by Aziz Ansari  was not only not funny, it was douchebaggery at it's finest.  I know they are buds and shit, but really - Kanye is a dick and it needs to be acknowledged.

Kanye, you are a dick.

To top it off, the bullshit he sang was the most ridiculous song I have ever heard.  I think it had something to do with a woman reading his emails and shit but also:

And I always find, yeah, I always find somethin' wrong
You been puttin' up wit' my shit just way too long
I'm so gifted at findin' what I don't like the most
So I think it's time for us to have a toast
Let's have a toast for the douchebags,
Let's have a toast for the assholes,
Let's have a toast for the scumbags,
Every one of them that I know
Let's have a toast to the jerkoffs
That'll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can

Uuhhhh, is you toasting yourself there little buddy?  For real?  Are you trying to rap about other people being assholes?  And are you calling people that do not call off work jerk offs.  Don't make be get racial up in here, because don't think for a minute that this white bitch did not catch that.  Arty don't play.

And to top it, his flow was off.  Off! He bit it.

Kanye, what the FUCK are you doing?  I mean, for real.  You are so much better than this shit.  Come on. "Stronger" is fucking beautiful.  You even got me to be cool with praising the lord in song with "Jesus Walks".  Have you guys heard that?  It's got a killer beat.  Yet you pull a dick move and then perform this bullshit song.
I bite my thumb at you, sir.

How is this ass munch getting so much attention when we all know the best rap artist is Mos Def?  It's not up for debate.  Mos Def.

I actually did see a shooting star tonight, by the way.
And I really could use a wish right now.
Or maybe some milk & cookies.