And Another Thing, I Don't Like Your Moms

Have you ever seen the SNL skit with Maya Rudolph?  I think it's her. Was it ScarJo? It's the skit that that Keenan Thompson has called Deep House Dish and guest singers come on.  I cannot find it on the internets and it is upsetting me.  If you find it, I will give you...something...I don't know what.  Undying love.  I will fucking worship and adore you.

One day, I was downtown on the phone with my friend Mark and recited the lyrics in a conversational tone (I interject other words, but these are the lyrics):

I am tired of both your Great Danes
And another thing....I don't like your mom
And another thing....I do not like your car.
You've got a bad haircut
And your house smells weird.
And I am tired of you calling off our wedding.

Oh, the looks I got with that last line.  It was glorious!  This gorgeous man stopped and looked at me as though to console me.  And he was all in a suit, probably going to a meeting, Point is - not a tourist...someone that has to be somewhere. I just put my hand up and shook my head a little like "please, don't, I'll be okay"

Son of a bitch - he was probably the ONE.  They guy in the suit stops and I brush him away. I am an idiot

So I get a call from Moms today:

I was at your Godmother's.  She has a cousin in Chicago.  Irene.  (me...waiting to hear it....waiting...) She owns a grocery store.  It's like a big store.  Produce and butcher shop. (wait for it...) It's in Chicago.  But I don't know the name.  She could not remember.  But her name is Irene and her son's name is John XXXXXikis (there it is). ..."

 She continues and I go into my mom coma.

Me: laughing "ok mom, great"
Moms: "well can you find him?"
Me: "what the hell? how am I supposed to find him.  And say what?  My godmother told me to call you?!"

Moms suggests just finding out about him.  She learned a new word, "internet".  I am so sure, stalker! I explain that it's not nice to spy and also impossible to do if you do not know the name of the store.  And that I am NOT doing it anyway.

Note that I do not really talk to my mom about anything.  She really has no idea what goes on in my world.  But manages to pour salt in my wounds with ferver.

Me: "I need a job, not a boyfriend"
Moms:  "What boyfriend? What job?!  You need  husband.  What, you gonna be alone forever?  You need husband, no job.  You  go work with him....."
My ears start to bleed. "I really don't want to talk about this right now."
Moms: "okay. okay...we're just talking."
 "So, my dress came in for Ry's wedding.  It's going to be big, because I had to get a bigger size for my boobs and I'll need to put straps on...."  She let's me babble for a few minutes.
Moms: " No worry, honey.  I fix it pretty for you.  You bring it -I fix it. Don't worry."

Man, she kills me.

Nia Vardalos Ain't Got Nothing On Me

I was telling my girlfriends the conversation I had with my mom yesterday and one literally peed her pants.  "Why aren't you doing stand-up?"  It never occurred to me.  I never thought I could be funny enough.  Truth is, I do have good delivery.  If you think my posts are funny - awesome.  But I am way more funny in person.  And I do not try to be.  Sometimes I am just talking and people are like "you're hilarious".  It always takes me a minute.  Oh yeah, some people are not funny.  I suppose I am amusing.  All in the delivery.  Which is why I am so grateful that I have people that enjoy my blog.  Thanks for reading.  Really.

I started to write a response to my lovely friend lovelyleo2's comment in my last post; but decided that some things should just be shared. Let's talk moms for a minute.

You know the mom in Everybody Loves Raymond?  Combine her with Edith Bunker and add a little Cinderella's Step Mother (though she birthed me).

Welcome to my world.  Luckily, I inherited my daddy's sense of humor and logic.  Whew.

I do not have a bad relationship with her, but there is a huge cultural gap, I do not really discuss anything in my life with her.  She still does not understand that I do not work at the front desk at a hotel (because of course I should be able to meet a man there). "No, mom...I have an office...I do not work at the front desk. I do not check people in."  I have told her this no less than 100 times. Clueless.

She has been on me to get married since I was a fetus.  I can't even deal with it.  Remember that scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, when she asks her mom why she has to go to Greek School?  Her mom says - so that you can write to your mother in law.  Yeah. that was said to me when I was 4. Seriously. Four.

My response was "Well you married an Italian. Why do I have to marry a Greek?"  Again...4.

I thought my dad was Italian because he ate so much pasta.
Precious.

I went to prom my sophomore year, with a very obviously gay guy mind you.  A girlfriend and I went with a couple of senior mo's.  It was totally fun by the way.  Anyway, my clueless mom, who had no idea of any sexual experimenting & make out sessions I had had with the Greek boys (because of course I could go out with them...what could happen?) is taking pictures of me...in a pink dress (gross)...before everyone else met up at our house. 

She gets close to me, all serious and says kinda under her breath "don't let him touch you." while making a "you know where" face.  That was the extend of her sex talk to me.

Then there was the Epilady incident.  I was probably 25 at the time.  Not living at home. Did any of you girls have one? It was this white oblong thingy and had a coil spring on one side.  It was for hair removal.  It hurt like a mother fucker.  I used it once and in the bathroom it sat.  Here it is:

We have a quad level, so you can see almost everything going on in the house, especially from the main level, where the kitchen, sorry, that the main kitchen is, because you know my dad had to build another one in the basement.  None of the stairways are enclosed. The stairs going to the upper bedrooms is right by the kitchen table.
Where I am sitting....with my two big brothers, father, sisters in law, sister and brother in law.  Maybe even a niece or nephew in the mix.  I am sitting next to my sister.
 
Mom is standing on the stairs with the Epilady in her hand. Says to my sister (let's call her Kathy)
Mom: "Kathy, should I sell this in the garage sale?"
Kathy: "What is it? i don't even know what that is."
Mom: "Uh...should I sell it?"
Me: "No one will want to buy that.  It's mine anyway.  Just throw it out"
Mom - horrified: "No it's not yours!  It's Kathy's! It can't be yours"
Me: "No, mom it's mine...what do you think that is?
She sheepishly starts to lower it towards her lady bits.

Kathy and I just burst!  And then I was like "That's for your legs!! Why on earth would you think you could sell that if it was that?!"

I look at my sister. "Crazy bitch tried to call you out on a vibrator.  In front of everybody.  And  tried to sell it.  And freaked out at the thought of me having one....because I am not married.  She's fucking insane."