Monster

 

First off, let's discuss.  This is proof that makeup goes a long way and that we are all pretty much some mascara away from being a monster.  Charlize Theron is one of the most beautiful women in the universe and she looks like ass.   Plus the bitch she is playing here was a serial killer.  Ugliness makes people do some ugly things.

That said, I am desperate need of a makeover.  One, my ass...grown.  And I do not mean I am a grown ass woman.  I mean I have super badunk-a-dunk.  It's not cool.  And it's especially not cool being no jive turkey so close to Thanksgiving.  Yes, that was for you, Smarty.  

Seriously though, I am out of control.  I have not been working out and that needs to change promptly.  I have approximately 11 months.  Does my dress fit? Yes.  Am I happy with how I look in it?  Not especially.  Though I am not thrilled with how I look in anything lately.  That's not the only reason I need to get into shape though.  I am feeling uber gross.  And that, also, is not cool.

My phro is also insane. I, at least, remembered that I have thinning shears and put those to work.  I could not stand it anymore.  I need to make an appointment this week to have some layers put in.  That is to say, put in correctly.  I have been know to take shears to my head in the middle of the night and wake up with a bob or some shit.  I am a crack length away from doing it, so I need to go see a pro.  I am debating on color though.  Did you all know that I was actually a redhead?  For many years.  So much so that people though it was my natural color.  Though, for the record, I do actually have some red hair...along with blonde, black, and brown.  I am a fucking deer mouse, though less pestilent.

So, I have a debate with the parents again about inviting kids to the wedding.  I am apparently a horrible monster that hates children and needs to be destroyed.

Sorry, I just cannot handle kids running around when I am in heels.  It completely stresses me out.  Plus, I figured out that it would cost and additional $2,500 to have all those kids there.  You heard me.  Twenty-five-freaking-hundred-dollars.  Thirty-five extra meals, additional seating/chair covers, additional centerpieces.  It all adds up.  Should I have to sacrifice how my wedding looks, to save on budget, so that people can bring their children that do not give a shit about me?

And what happened to it being OUR wedding, anyway?

My brother went Godfather on me the other day.

He calls me on Friday night.

"Do you have a photographer?"

"Yeah, but I have not signed a contract yet"

"How much is he charging you?"

"$2,000"

"Do not sign a thing, I have someone for you.  He'll do it"

"But..."

"Don't worry about it.  He's a good guy.  Takes great pictures."

"But how much..."

"Don't worry about it.  We'll figure it out."

"But can we get a book and the digital photos and..."

"You're gonna get whatever you want.  I said - don't worry about it."

I called him today and was like "Can I talk to this guy?"  Turns out he works with my brother, which I am guessing means for my brother.  Like he's his boss.  He apparently wants to get into the industry and my bro is vouching for him.  Guess he won't mess things up because it will be super awkward for him.

For the record, my brother is not a mafia type, which is why it's impossible to say no to him when he pulls crap like that.  He has more integrity than anyone I know.  Plus, he knows he will not hear the end of it if this dude messes it up.  If I can save a grand...I mean, that gives us more to spend on food or whatever.  And don't you dare say "or kids" because I will throttle you.

Did I mention that my sister in law is making the cake?  How cool is that?  We did go to a cake tasting and like the combination that we chose.  I could tell she wanted to do it, but was nervous and I was like - Just make it. I am not looking for a free cake, we'll pay you. I just want you to make it.  I beat her into submission and am so glad.  I want something totally plain anyway.  I mean plain in design.  I am of course buying cake jewelry.  It's a real thing.  Trust me.  I need bling.

I was in Chicago a couple of weeks ago for my BFF's wedding - which was awesome.  I went shopping and bought all the gifts for my bridesmaids.  Part of which I am incorporating into the ensemble.

I decided to have my sister, my fiance's sister, and two of my best girls be attendees.  Then I wanted my nieces.  How to get away with having that many?  Make those little heifers flower girls.  I do not give a crap.  they are wearing the same dresses and just going down the isle in pairs and dropping petals.  Did I mention that they will be ages 15 to 23.  Whatever.  They are my nieces and I think it is precious.  Again, I did not want some kid that does not even know us.  Plus, I hate when everyone is all cooing at the spectacle. 

I was at another wedding last month and the flower girls and ring bearer were just running around, causing a scene.  It was so distracting.  People were all "awww...how cute."  I was like "someone better beat those brats down."

Maybe I am a monster.

I was all nudging my man "See? See?  This is why I am having the girls (the nieces) do it.  I would be throwing a  fit."  And honestly, I would.

The weird thing is - I am exceptional with children.  I am like the kid whisperer or some shit.  But that takes concentration and I am not having it on that day.  At least not for that.

Here's some pretty for you:

She is ridiculous.

Hells Bells

You know, it's a little scary planning a wedding right now.  And by right now, I mean with the economy in a shit spiral.

My parents do not give me an exact budget.  So I have to guess on everything.  Granted, I do not want to spend $50,000 (which I am sure is NOT the budget),  I am a thifty gal.  You are going to pass out when I tell you how much I paid for my dress.  The exact dress I wanted.

I blew up at my mom the other night.  I think there was a full moon.  Or it could have been that I am planning a cross country move and a wedding at the same time.  Could have influenced it.  I tend to try to do it all at once and then get overwhelmed.

We were talking about the girls dresses and their shoes and she was like "we'll see what the girls want"  Umm...no.  I have worn hideous dresses and worn awful shoes.  It's my wedding.  I get to pick out what they wear.  Sorry.  I am top skate dog.  And actually, I am not sorry. 

I blew up at her though.  Of course, I felt bad afterwards and called her back.  I was fine until she tells me that the projected guest list is 300.  What?! How?  Why?  Well, all our friends and their families.  KIDS?!  You're inviting kids to my wedding?

So I calmly go on a tirade, explaining  how when I see a child running around at a wedding I want to box their ears.  I apparently hide my rage well, my mom had no idea.  She then tries to guilt me and was like "what about Kathy & Kikki?  They have babies"  Yeah, and those babies were not at Jenny's wedding last year...and they are super close friends with her - much closer than with me.  And they are doctors - they can get a sitter.  I totally lost it.  I told her that if some little fucker tripped me on that dance floor I would cause a scene.  Or if they started running around on the dance floor.  I know I would go into asshole mode.  I get annoyed at a restaurant.  Can you imagine me at my own wedding?   I would seriously throw a shit fit.  And if I heard a crying baby while I am up on that alter...do not think for a minute that I would not embarrass myself with a tantrum.

But I kept a cool tone.  I have a talent for that sometimes. Plus, I had already freaked out earlier; I think I did not have the energy.  She called me the next day and said "let's just write Mr. & Mrs." on the cards.  Yes, please and thank you.

Back to the clothes.  Yes, I have already purchased my dress.  It is on it's way to my mom's house.  will need some alterations, but it's perfection for me.  And I picked out the the girls dresses as well.  I did take one of the girls with me.  My future sister in law has already ordered hers, bless the little kitten.  House of Brides has incredibly awful customer service and are notorious for late, late delivery; so I told the girls to order asap.  I know my one girlfriend will slack.  I am prepared to have her not stand up because she doesn't have a dress.  She kills me.

In three weeks, I should have almost everything planned.  We have cake tasting, meetings with photographers and florists, and checking out tuxes planned.  I already have my invitations picked out and have researched party favors.

Yes, I am going koo koo clocks.  But this means that I can concentrate on setting up our home and finding a job when I get out to California.

Talk About Pulling Pork

Are you kidding me with this? What is this trying to achieve?  Do you think it's food porn? OMG IS THIS FOOD PORN?!!

Lord and baby Jesus - this is a wreck and I am loving it.  Though I am not sure that I can ever get this image out of my head.  It may be difficult to have a BLT without giggling.

I am sure it's tongue in cheek...at least I hope it is.  I just saw a challenge on MasterChef  where some dude cooked a dish with pork cheeks.  And I don't mean booty.  I had no idea that they even have a cut like that.  It apparently was awesome, according to the judges.

I have actually gotten into pulled pork sandwiches lately.  Not in a sexual way, pervs.  I had never had them and discovered that they are super delish.  Not sure why I avoided them for so long.

I am brilliant at avoiding things though.  Like avoiding doing the dishes.  Or maybe packing for my move.

Though we did set a wedding date.  I am getting shit done people.  I do not want to be all stressed out with a bunch of nonsense.  I am always stressed out over dumb stuff as it is.  I've booked the church and hall.  Done & done. I have a dress picked out, just need to see it live to be sure.  My sister is my main beyotch and have not decided on bride's maidens yet.  I am thinking I may just have my two closest gals.  But I kinda want my nieces as well.  Though I do not want 20 minutes of procession going on.  Snooze.

Yeah, I think just the girlfriends.

It's annoying.  I keep going "oh yeah - I need invitations" "Ugh. A DJ."  You know, crap like that.  Can't run off to Vegas though.   Orthodoxy does not recognize a marriage unless they conduct it.  I know...some of you may know me as a heathen.  But I do have a family, you know.  It's important to my parents.  See?  I am a good girl!

Go make yourselves some bacon wrapped dates or something.  Mmmm...bacon. Note that I am writing that with that picture up there out of my view.