Monster

 

First off, let's discuss.  This is proof that makeup goes a long way and that we are all pretty much some mascara away from being a monster.  Charlize Theron is one of the most beautiful women in the universe and she looks like ass.   Plus the bitch she is playing here was a serial killer.  Ugliness makes people do some ugly things.

That said, I am desperate need of a makeover.  One, my ass...grown.  And I do not mean I am a grown ass woman.  I mean I have super badunk-a-dunk.  It's not cool.  And it's especially not cool being no jive turkey so close to Thanksgiving.  Yes, that was for you, Smarty.  

Seriously though, I am out of control.  I have not been working out and that needs to change promptly.  I have approximately 11 months.  Does my dress fit? Yes.  Am I happy with how I look in it?  Not especially.  Though I am not thrilled with how I look in anything lately.  That's not the only reason I need to get into shape though.  I am feeling uber gross.  And that, also, is not cool.

My phro is also insane. I, at least, remembered that I have thinning shears and put those to work.  I could not stand it anymore.  I need to make an appointment this week to have some layers put in.  That is to say, put in correctly.  I have been know to take shears to my head in the middle of the night and wake up with a bob or some shit.  I am a crack length away from doing it, so I need to go see a pro.  I am debating on color though.  Did you all know that I was actually a redhead?  For many years.  So much so that people though it was my natural color.  Though, for the record, I do actually have some red hair...along with blonde, black, and brown.  I am a fucking deer mouse, though less pestilent.

So, I have a debate with the parents again about inviting kids to the wedding.  I am apparently a horrible monster that hates children and needs to be destroyed.

Sorry, I just cannot handle kids running around when I am in heels.  It completely stresses me out.  Plus, I figured out that it would cost and additional $2,500 to have all those kids there.  You heard me.  Twenty-five-freaking-hundred-dollars.  Thirty-five extra meals, additional seating/chair covers, additional centerpieces.  It all adds up.  Should I have to sacrifice how my wedding looks, to save on budget, so that people can bring their children that do not give a shit about me?

And what happened to it being OUR wedding, anyway?

My brother went Godfather on me the other day.

He calls me on Friday night.

"Do you have a photographer?"

"Yeah, but I have not signed a contract yet"

"How much is he charging you?"

"$2,000"

"Do not sign a thing, I have someone for you.  He'll do it"

"But..."

"Don't worry about it.  He's a good guy.  Takes great pictures."

"But how much..."

"Don't worry about it.  We'll figure it out."

"But can we get a book and the digital photos and..."

"You're gonna get whatever you want.  I said - don't worry about it."

I called him today and was like "Can I talk to this guy?"  Turns out he works with my brother, which I am guessing means for my brother.  Like he's his boss.  He apparently wants to get into the industry and my bro is vouching for him.  Guess he won't mess things up because it will be super awkward for him.

For the record, my brother is not a mafia type, which is why it's impossible to say no to him when he pulls crap like that.  He has more integrity than anyone I know.  Plus, he knows he will not hear the end of it if this dude messes it up.  If I can save a grand...I mean, that gives us more to spend on food or whatever.  And don't you dare say "or kids" because I will throttle you.

Did I mention that my sister in law is making the cake?  How cool is that?  We did go to a cake tasting and like the combination that we chose.  I could tell she wanted to do it, but was nervous and I was like - Just make it. I am not looking for a free cake, we'll pay you. I just want you to make it.  I beat her into submission and am so glad.  I want something totally plain anyway.  I mean plain in design.  I am of course buying cake jewelry.  It's a real thing.  Trust me.  I need bling.

I was in Chicago a couple of weeks ago for my BFF's wedding - which was awesome.  I went shopping and bought all the gifts for my bridesmaids.  Part of which I am incorporating into the ensemble.

I decided to have my sister, my fiance's sister, and two of my best girls be attendees.  Then I wanted my nieces.  How to get away with having that many?  Make those little heifers flower girls.  I do not give a crap.  they are wearing the same dresses and just going down the isle in pairs and dropping petals.  Did I mention that they will be ages 15 to 23.  Whatever.  They are my nieces and I think it is precious.  Again, I did not want some kid that does not even know us.  Plus, I hate when everyone is all cooing at the spectacle. 

I was at another wedding last month and the flower girls and ring bearer were just running around, causing a scene.  It was so distracting.  People were all "awww...how cute."  I was like "someone better beat those brats down."

Maybe I am a monster.

I was all nudging my man "See? See?  This is why I am having the girls (the nieces) do it.  I would be throwing a  fit."  And honestly, I would.

The weird thing is - I am exceptional with children.  I am like the kid whisperer or some shit.  But that takes concentration and I am not having it on that day.  At least not for that.

Here's some pretty for you:

She is ridiculous.

Hells Bells

You know, it's a little scary planning a wedding right now.  And by right now, I mean with the economy in a shit spiral.

My parents do not give me an exact budget.  So I have to guess on everything.  Granted, I do not want to spend $50,000 (which I am sure is NOT the budget),  I am a thifty gal.  You are going to pass out when I tell you how much I paid for my dress.  The exact dress I wanted.

I blew up at my mom the other night.  I think there was a full moon.  Or it could have been that I am planning a cross country move and a wedding at the same time.  Could have influenced it.  I tend to try to do it all at once and then get overwhelmed.

We were talking about the girls dresses and their shoes and she was like "we'll see what the girls want"  Umm...no.  I have worn hideous dresses and worn awful shoes.  It's my wedding.  I get to pick out what they wear.  Sorry.  I am top skate dog.  And actually, I am not sorry. 

I blew up at her though.  Of course, I felt bad afterwards and called her back.  I was fine until she tells me that the projected guest list is 300.  What?! How?  Why?  Well, all our friends and their families.  KIDS?!  You're inviting kids to my wedding?

So I calmly go on a tirade, explaining  how when I see a child running around at a wedding I want to box their ears.  I apparently hide my rage well, my mom had no idea.  She then tries to guilt me and was like "what about Kathy & Kikki?  They have babies"  Yeah, and those babies were not at Jenny's wedding last year...and they are super close friends with her - much closer than with me.  And they are doctors - they can get a sitter.  I totally lost it.  I told her that if some little fucker tripped me on that dance floor I would cause a scene.  Or if they started running around on the dance floor.  I know I would go into asshole mode.  I get annoyed at a restaurant.  Can you imagine me at my own wedding?   I would seriously throw a shit fit.  And if I heard a crying baby while I am up on that alter...do not think for a minute that I would not embarrass myself with a tantrum.

But I kept a cool tone.  I have a talent for that sometimes. Plus, I had already freaked out earlier; I think I did not have the energy.  She called me the next day and said "let's just write Mr. & Mrs." on the cards.  Yes, please and thank you.

Back to the clothes.  Yes, I have already purchased my dress.  It is on it's way to my mom's house.  will need some alterations, but it's perfection for me.  And I picked out the the girls dresses as well.  I did take one of the girls with me.  My future sister in law has already ordered hers, bless the little kitten.  House of Brides has incredibly awful customer service and are notorious for late, late delivery; so I told the girls to order asap.  I know my one girlfriend will slack.  I am prepared to have her not stand up because she doesn't have a dress.  She kills me.

In three weeks, I should have almost everything planned.  We have cake tasting, meetings with photographers and florists, and checking out tuxes planned.  I already have my invitations picked out and have researched party favors.

Yes, I am going koo koo clocks.  But this means that I can concentrate on setting up our home and finding a job when I get out to California.

Some Like It Hot

In the last two days I have proven my tenacity, toughness, and perhaps stupidity.  Well not stupid - just very stubborn.

I have always said that people that can handle living in Chicago can handle any environment. 
We have some crazy ass weather here.  Today for example, 92 degrees - feels like 102 degrees.

Oh you didn't know that in Chicago, we get TWO temperatures?  Oh, we do, as in the thermostat will read 80 and it will be so damn humid out that it actually feels like 88.    Or in winter, we have a wind chill factor.  So like it may be 18, but will feel like -1.  Yeah, negative.  And negative 1 is not as brutal as it gets.  I am not complaining.  I am just telling it like it is.

We are in a heat wave right now and, son of a bitch - my central air went out on Sunday night.  I was talking to the fiance and was like "I am hot as hell and the air has been running non-stop.  Shit!  It's 80 degrees in here!"

Today it hit 88...in my apartment.  Right now it's a breezy 87.  I am not shitting you.  It was so hot that a spider was hanging out in my toilet.  I have seen spiders maybe twice in the last 7 years.  That bitch was hot.  I flushed him so I could take a dump.

I have stayed in this whole time.  Why?  Because I could not stand the thought of leaving my cat.  I was so worried that he may get heat stroke or something and I would not be here to take care of him. He actually seems fine, but I would not have been able to relax.  I would have been stressing out about him.

Anyway, my point is, I am surviving.  It's amazing that I could feel it drop down to 87 after it had been running for a bit,  I was like - huh, it's cooler in here.  I have been cranky as hell, but you know, toughing it out.

Just another sign that it is time to move.

When Mac first mentioned how hot it gets in summer out there I was like - eeek.  But it's dry.  You can walk out without sweating immediately.  It makes a huge difference.  So, dry 100 degrees in summer and a balmy 25 degrees in winter?  Yeah...cake walk.

Have you all seen "Some Like It Hot?  One of the best movies ever with one of - if not the best last line.  I am not kidding.  I try to post a scene, but blogger is not having it today.  All I can say is do yourself a favor and rent that mother.

Talk About Pulling Pork

Are you kidding me with this? What is this trying to achieve?  Do you think it's food porn? OMG IS THIS FOOD PORN?!!

Lord and baby Jesus - this is a wreck and I am loving it.  Though I am not sure that I can ever get this image out of my head.  It may be difficult to have a BLT without giggling.

I am sure it's tongue in cheek...at least I hope it is.  I just saw a challenge on MasterChef  where some dude cooked a dish with pork cheeks.  And I don't mean booty.  I had no idea that they even have a cut like that.  It apparently was awesome, according to the judges.

I have actually gotten into pulled pork sandwiches lately.  Not in a sexual way, pervs.  I had never had them and discovered that they are super delish.  Not sure why I avoided them for so long.

I am brilliant at avoiding things though.  Like avoiding doing the dishes.  Or maybe packing for my move.

Though we did set a wedding date.  I am getting shit done people.  I do not want to be all stressed out with a bunch of nonsense.  I am always stressed out over dumb stuff as it is.  I've booked the church and hall.  Done & done. I have a dress picked out, just need to see it live to be sure.  My sister is my main beyotch and have not decided on bride's maidens yet.  I am thinking I may just have my two closest gals.  But I kinda want my nieces as well.  Though I do not want 20 minutes of procession going on.  Snooze.

Yeah, I think just the girlfriends.

It's annoying.  I keep going "oh yeah - I need invitations" "Ugh. A DJ."  You know, crap like that.  Can't run off to Vegas though.   Orthodoxy does not recognize a marriage unless they conduct it.  I know...some of you may know me as a heathen.  But I do have a family, you know.  It's important to my parents.  See?  I am a good girl!

Go make yourselves some bacon wrapped dates or something.  Mmmm...bacon. Note that I am writing that with that picture up there out of my view.

Best Summer Ever

Sometimes you just have to make lemonade.  Feel me?

Thanks to all the capitalist pigs lining their pockets and killing out economy (opinion much?); I, along with many, have been "employment challenged".  Three of my best girlfriends were in the same boat.  Jane was the first and did not have a job for 18 months.  Then Sally, unemployed for 2 years, who just got a job on the west coast near her sister.  Me - almost two years. And Pam, who got the bad news in October.

Not sure why I described all that.  I guess to make a point of how awful the market is.  Here you have 4 bright, educated, dependable, hard working women that got the shaft.

I just have sour grapes because I know people that do my job or similar that are incompetent asses - yet still have a job.

Speaking of...oh my baby Jesus.  I ran into these two people yesterday from a hotel that I filled in at for a couple months before the lay off.  It was also owned by my management company.  They lost a manager and an executive, (the manager had gone to another hotel and the executive had gotten canned)  so I was sent there to help out.

The place was crazy.  The boss has surveillance camera screens all over one wall of his office.  he knew when you came in, when you went to the bathroom....everything.  And apparently had feeds at home.  The team that I was helping out with was insane.  Two of the batshit craziest women I have ever dealt with.  One was a total bitch with attitude and the other had crazy eyes and did nto wash her hands after going to the bathroom.

I was walking by the manager's new hotel and he was outside with the crazy eyes women.  I stopped to say hi and was all "Aren't you glad you are out of there?  Must be nice to not be spied on 24/7"  To the manager guy I was all "Sorry, I know you worked there too.  That place was crazy"  She asks me how long I was there and I was like "about 6 weeks"  She was like "I thought it was longer".  some other stuff that they looked confused about. yadda yadda.

When I walk away I realize.  The woman was not the crazy girl...she was the general Manager from the hotel that was next to the hotel I actually worked at.  I had talked to her on smoke breaks and stuff.  No wonder they looked at me like I was insane.  She and the other woman were both blondes, under 5 ft and had similar body types.

I felt like an idiot and wanted to go back.  Then I thought...what a funnier story for them.  Let them be confused.  Maybe they will think the did not know me at all.   Maybe they will just think I am koo-koo clocks.   I also thought it would be funny to start doing that on purpose.  Walk up to people as though I know them, start a convo, and walk away leaving them scratching their heads.  Performance art!

Anyway,  I am at the beginning of my rainbow tour.  Saying good bye to people that I will likely never see again.  My inner circle, I am not worried about.  The people that are not priorities, but I love to bits; I need to see them to say "smell ya" to because I will probably not get to see them on visits.  I met up with a once potential client turned friend yesterday.  It was nice.

I am also having a final performance / going away party on September 1.  Hopefully I will get to catch everyone.  If not - well...smell ya.

Back to best summer ever.  Because I have plans and know where I am going, I am able to actually enjoy the summer a bit.  Of course becoming engaged is top of the list of reasons.   But I am now able to breathe, execute my plans, and also enjoy my days here.  I need a direction to feel secure.

Pam and I have a routine now.  Morning: job search.  Afternoon: pool.  Evening: trash TV.

Come on.  What's not to love?  So I am having to eat through some savings. I have to make the best of it, right?  The situation happened for a reason, might as well just do what I can to enjoy.  I am sure I will get a great job once I move out there.  Again - there's a reason I did not find anything out here; and it certainly was not for lack of trying.  I am simply overqualified for what is available to me or what I can do outside of my field.  I do not blame them for questioning my intent.  They know I will jump ship the first chance I get.  And in my industry...they have expressed concerns that I have been out of the market for too long, plus am worth more than they want to pay.  Just how the cookie has been crumbling.  Changing location will also help me change careers.  Or maybe I will find a position in my field available out there.  Anything can happen.

But for now, I am spending time with my awesome girl friend and  I actually have tan lines.  Tan lines!  I have sullied my porcelain skin.  I have to say though: I look alot healthier.  I sometimes look too pale, especially with the low iron and crap; I look sick sometimes.  And do not think that I do not SPF 40 myself from head to two either, because I sure do.

And of course I am excited about getting married to the man.  He's awesome and we are going to have a great life together.  Rainbows and unicorns people!

Shut up.

p.s. I solemnly swear that I will not turn into bridezilla.

Romance Schmomance (or Has Anyone Seen My Fiance?)

I have lost my fiance!  Not really.  I just love that scene from Seinfeld.  Elaine Benis is a brilliant character.  I cannot even deal sometimes.  For some reason, I could not embed the video.  Booo.

So this is how we rolled.  Friday afternoon, after some errands and talking the puss in boots to the vet, we went to my parents for lunch.  Traffic was brutal and the dumb car I had rented (a chevy Malibu, by the way) had crazy blind spots.  I absolutely hated driving it.  we were seriously like 2 hours later than expected.

He immediately talks to my daddy.  Yes, he full on went old school.  If you met my dad, you'd know why.  Dad has aire about him that yells "respect"; but not because he demands it, rather because he deserves it.  Plus I am a total daddy's girl.  Come on.

We go from there to an undisclosed location in the burbs.  Turns out to be a place I had never heard of.  It's like a little village of bungalows.  Totally private even though it was actually at the end of a neighborhood.  Cute.  We check in and then go to our room.

Are you kidding me?  First thing I see: balloons, a tower of balloons.  Rose petals and candles everywhere. Whirlpool tub the size of a Queen bed...steam & shower room.  Champagne (he had even chosen the sweet stuff, knowing that's my preference). Come on!  I want to live here.

He is so awesome.  He had done so much research to find a place and made sure that everything was set up the way he wanted.  Yes, I am quite happy with my choice.

We have reservations for dinner at 8pm.  We are both exhausted and decide to just chill out for a bit.  We did not want to get all into the tub and stuff because we knew we'd be down for the count if we did.  man, those jacuzzi tubs are relaxing.  I could sleep in them.  Anyway, we are getting ready to just lounge and he's all having to show me something first.

I turn around.  He's down on one knee.  Bless his baboon heart.  He asks and I see a blur of sparkle.  I say yes, of course. Hug, kiss, blah and then I am like wait...I saw some bling.

I look at it and it's divine.  So perfect for me.  It looks vintage and modern at the same time.  Serious perfection.

And yes, I cried like a baby.  It was ridiculous.

What a difference a year makes.   We were not even aware of each others existence and now...we are getting married!  How about that.

One Ring To Rule Them All

I have been a busy bee.  I am planning a move cross country.

Yes, I am California bound.

I have had my freak-outs about it.  I am sad to leave my dear old dirty town.  I love Chicago so much.  But let's be honest; it is not giving me what I need.  Will I return?  It's very likely.

It's time for a new era.  I actually said a few years ago that if Daley was no longer mayor that I'd scram.  I guess I put it out into the universe.

But change is needed and change is good.  It's time.

Another change: in about twenty four hours my left ring finger will have a permanent adornment.

I haven't seen it yet and am so excited.  And I am so excited to start this new part of my life with him.  It is truly amazing that we found each other.

I try not to talk about it too much.  I am not the most romantic person sometimes.  I think because it makes me uncomfortable sometimes when people are too mushy and I do not want to be the cause of that.

See you after I am affianced.  Meanwhile enjoy this: